Barely in Love
At 4:26 am the only thing that came to me was the challenge of finding love. While I sit here at IMG working the overnight shift, while also balancing school and other things. I have found that on this path I am on I have no time for love. Now I know your first thought is a partnership, significant other, or a relationship of some sort, but I am not only talking about that. I am talking about self-love as well. Before I get caught in the whirlwind of confusion, emptiness, and clarity. I guess you should know who I am first huh? (haha)
My name is Jaitesha Hanson. I prefer Tesh an 24 graduated with my BA in Psychology from the University of North Florida where I collected a basketball scholarship! #ForeverGREATFUL & I am currently the CEO & Founder for a mental health foundation called StayWhole which caters to the Athletes, Creatives, and of course.. COMMUNITY. While juggling the responsibilities of the foundation I am also a full-time graduate student chasing after my master’s in clinical Mental Health Counseling. With the goals I am getting after and life I am wanting for myself it’s clear that my time to find love within me and outside of me is nonexistent.
Love is just one of those things all of our senses crave. The smell of the scent that blows in right before you see them. The smoothness of their skin as you rub against it. The taste of their lips and the look in their eyes you receive that just brings life to your very existentence.. You know.. That type of love..
I was listening to the song “To die for” by Sam Smith and his lyrics brought me back to the days when I would be up at 3 am forcing tears that were tired of coming and screaming all my emptiness into the pillow. Everything he was saying was true. We all want that person to make us feel save, full, calm, collected…. Not only that. We all just want to feel whole within as well. Love has never been easy in my journey. I blame my depression and anxiety for giving me a false start. Before I found my balance and did the appropriate treatment needed for my stability. I was trying to find other things to fill the void my mental health brought me. My first relationship was a HOT MESS….. That I am truly grateful for now looking back at it. It created a version of myself that is crazy confident and powerful. Wiser and stronger. I love who it has made me, but it did teach me that love starts from within. It’s those small moments of joy we create for ourselves. That run outside that makes our soul become grounded, that movie we sneak to see by ourselves while we put our phone on do not disturb. Those beautiful moments of solitude are where we find our own personal gold within. It’s crazy that I know exactly what I need, but I don’t do it. Here I am telling you guys about self-love and I don’t even have time for it.
Barely in Love….
My journey is full of goals and dreams that I am trying to manifest by any means necessary. I am 100% in love with the grind. That vision I see when I close my eyes at night and the rush of excitement I get when I awaken and know that I am one step closer. No thought of love in sight. The danger of this is that I have the tendency to run myself into the ground and not even realize it. When I finally do it’s too late. Here I am in my bean bag sobbing because I couldn’t take 2 hours to just stop everything and listen to my spirit. Ask her what she needs to feel alive, what she wants to eat today, or what would put a smile on her face.
She’s Barely in Love…
I would like to think that my time is precious and if I share it with you.. Know that I probably missed out on a few hours of sleep just to chat and talk it up with you, or I churned a paper out in 1 hour instead of taking my time just so I could be available for you… I even might have skipped a meal or pushed some huge StayWhole responsibilities back just to show you I care.. Depleted I am, but here I stand available to my family and friends. I just have this fear of letting anyone down or neglecting someone who needs brightness in their life. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom and get caught in that spiral of depression that acts as world domination in our minds.. I get it, and honestly… I like being a light, but I also need to learn to replace my batteries sooner rather than later.
……. I am just Barely in Love..
My journey has this funny way of telling me to stay on course. Every time someone I have interest in comes about it’s like this wall just comes up and I am stuck looking at it confused as to why I can’t have the one thing that seems like it would save me. That best friend, protector, right side of my brain, business partner, you know… The person who allows you to be absolutely ugly and they accept you anyways? I really need that in my life right now. So, I thought. I can feel the connections brewing, I can feel our spirits colliding in excitement because we aren’t exactly that new to each other. The rush of emotions from the possibility of someone seeing me for me can be so addicting. I’ve had two experiences where I was rejected. Not because we were not compatible, but because of timing of our own personal journeys. It was so painful. Still is to be honest. Just knowing that a special connection exists. You just want it more and more, but the way my path is set up. Not only do I not have the time, those connections get blocked by something completely out of my reach and out of my control. The only thing that seeps in is clarity.. “Tesh, not yet. Focus on your goals. Keep going. You are almost there. Don’t give up. It’s coming.”
Here I am barely in love with myself… & barely in love with you… (Whoever you might be)
5:57 am and I have just realized that I am a walking contradiction. How could I push mental health and the self- love agenda when I am barely in love with myself?
I guess I am just
human. We all are just human. If you were needing a wake-up call to fill your own cup lately. I hope this does it for you.
Love you guys,
& as always….