Tested Positive for Trauma

Dear Swholemates, 
Have you ever wondered why StayWhole started to begin with and how? Well, the very thing I stopped doing to focus on other areas of StayWhole is they very thing that was needed in order for me to gain my flow back again. I love writing out my confusions, pains, happiness, and darkness. It's my favorite type of release. The main StayWhole instagram account was actually my poetry account where I would just air my dirty laundry in a "cute" way. It was where I wrote detailed pieces on my mental health journey, toxic relationships, and this thing called life. Through this account I realized this was my own way of Staying Whole and it just started to branch into something else. Since then I never really wrote about how I felt in that way unless I was journaling, but that was just a gumbo of words and feelings. No real layout or format. Extremly distasteful to the eye might I add! (haha) 

So here I am back doing what lights me up inside. It's something about writing to my community that just gives me so much joy. To know that we are all on this journey together and have each others backs is so forfilling. Thank you for trusting me, relating with me, and being my family! I hope you enjoy the experience I have expressed down below. Feel free to comment or reach out if you would like to talk about it! 

StayWhole Lovelies ! 

Jaitesha Janeen 

While breaking from social media (Well… everything but Tic Tok) and StayWhole. I’ve had mixed emotions and a part of me feels like I am letting down so many people, but then the other part of me feels a sense of freedom to really dive into my spiritual journey more. Over the past couple of days I’ve gained clarity and have been able to listen to myself. What my spirit has been craving is getting to the next level being my truest self. I had made so much progress and then became stagnant on the journey which then began to filter into everything else in my life. I ignored my own voice and just buried it with school, social media, StayWhole, work, friends, and other projects.

Silly Me! It only made things worse. I was feeding my ego and not my soul.

Where was the balance?

A couple nights ago I had a deep meditation for the first time in months and it brought up so many locked up emotions. I was unstable for the rest of the day afterwards. At first it was just clarity of the things I needed to do in order to get closer to myself, but then it happened.

On my drive to work I had eyes filled with tears and every traumatic experience had came up. Good memories mixed with bad, insecurities, and troubles I had buried deep inside. I realized I had been stopping my own growth by avoiding the very thing that makes us who we are… Trauma.. Whenever you want to change for the better and get closer to who you truly are you always have to revist any trama in your life to see what it changed about you and how it changed about you. All this time I thought I had faced everything already, but I didn’t and honestly I don’t think we will ever truly be done with our trauma.

In this moment I just allowed myself to feel everything and seen it for what it was. The only things that kept coming to my mind was the movie Inside Out & how I would be a better person at the end of this journey. The first five days has alreadty revealed to me so much and I can’t even lie. I feel like trash right now. All these emotions, thoughts, and feelings unraveling and I am not fighting it one bit simply because this isn’t my first rodeo. Spiritual journey’s are never over and come to you right on time rather you are ready or not. It’s up to you to allow it to flow and make it a peaceful transiton or you can fight it and it can be even more turmoiless than it should be.

As I hit tough emotions I will write about them and share this journey with you just incase you are on this journey too and its a tough one. We are in this together though and we will come out of this more woke and aware of who we are!

Also random share! I have always had a weird time with social media because I get tired of everyone being perfect, caring about likes, etc.. and the energy is just so toxic! BUT — to go on Tik Tok and get to be goofy, dance, and show my personality was so freeing! Isn’t social media about freedom and self expression? Yet social media seems more conforming than freeing? Anyways…

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