A phrase that some know ALL tooo well! Some say its a myth, but I feel it’s a real thing.. In your social life *side eyes* and your actual life. We grow up thinking we are suppose to be just like everyone else. We follow the models set for us and begin to just copy and paste our parents, relatives, teachers, friends, the list goes on.. We build up a life that never truly is ours.. until one day you look up and you see yourself standing in front of you. You look at them feeling super lost because you know they are you… You just don’t know how to get to it.
The purge began on June 8th, 1995. I was killing so many parts of myself in order to conform and rid myself of myself. My thoughts was yours, not mine. My mask was just a reflection of the people I was around until two years ago.. When my real spiritual journey began.. I started ridding myself of everything that didn’t sit well with me and didn’t look back. It’s like with each realization I cleared, another one came right behind it. Who have I been looking at in the mirror?? WHO?! I’ve been a stranger to myself the whole time.. THE AUDACITY!! Anyways.. they say the first time you go to the bathroom after drinking, you just keep going and your bladder no longer understands the concept of time! It’s it’s too busy ridding your body of toxins.
My seal has broken.. & I don’t know which way I am going, but I know I’ve made room for her. She is a ball of fire. Insecure like no other, but finds sharing her ugly to be the most beautiful thing. I’ve been pushing myself to be the voice in my head. She refuses to see me holding myself back.
Sometimes I just want to wake up and call hoes, hoes… and bitches.. bitches.. lmao. Sometimes I don’t know who or what I am attracted to and that freaks me tf out! Like why does my love have to be in some form or shape? WHY are y’all putting pressure on people to conform their love.. I hate it here. I simply just want to exist, with no tie to anything. Labels are suffocating to me. I want to screammmmm to the mountain top that I don’t give a FUCK anymore. (sorry mom and dad)
It feels so good to recreate my life. It’s lonely, but damnit if you suppose to be in my life I am sure we will reconnect, but right now I am being selfish. I am selfishly falling in love with myself and to be honest it has been the most PAINFUL experience. Cupid can go to hell, respectfully. If someone told me love was taking yourself to the movies when I was 10 I would’ve laughed, but that’s really what love looks like! I don’t want to be Dr.Phil to any of my friends anymore. I need balanceeeee. I love y’all, but I love myself a lot more ( the nicer way of saying what Kanye said.. if you know you know, lol ).
Honestly, I get sick and tired of seeing pictures on Instagram, Facebook, you name it. It’s just so much information and content that I can’t think for myself! That world just isn’t good for me, but if it’s good for you then keep doing it!! BE A LIGHT!! We all impacting someone in someway.. I just know my path looks different. Writing, podcasting, YouTubing, creating dances. Thats my type of internet presence, it’s my place to be ugly and messy! That’s so healing to me.
I am choosing to be more private because I love being present and not having peoples energy attached to things I love! My life is so precious and I don’t want to give that feeling up for a comment or zero likes that can ruin a whole moment I cherished! I love hiding, but I also love creating. So I have to find a balance that feeds both parts of my soul!! Being around my sister and her partner has been the greatest lesson. I don’t feel the need to record or document every 5 seconds and I get emotional because that moment only existed during that time. You really can’t get it back. A video or picture doesn’t feel the same ( I am starting photo albums though 🤩) I appreciate life. So truthfulIy, I don’t care about your internet life. I care about you as a PERSON. So catch me in the real world.. where your presence shines through and I can see you. I love you.
I did turn to my secret Twitter account though, lol. Thats where my real ass voice been hanging. I swear everyday gets better with time. I’ve been fighting with myself and winning. I have nothing to lose at all. LIKE NOTHING!! I don’t have anything attached to me and it feels so good. I am clueless to what everyone is doing and it’s giving me the space to enjoy life for once. I am learning how to love me.
I guess what I am trying to say is you will never find me where I am suppose to be.. I will always be there when you least expect it and at a time where both of our energies align. I am open to balanced connections. I am not accepting nothing I wouldn’t do for myself. If I can’t go three – four days without responding to myself, I am damn sure not going accept anyone going three – four days not responding to me. I know I am not perfect, but I do know I have always been there when I was needed, even when I simply did not want to be here anymore. I STILL would help anyone and everyone. Today… I will curse you out and demand the same energy. Today.. I exist with intentions of aligning with my best self.. I know we get busy, but we all know that’s B.S. You really do make time for what you want & if you need space just communicate that!
Enjoy this excerpt from my journal.. It’s real & it’s the part of me I love sharing. Fuck inauthenticity. Fuck hiding. Fuck you’re insecurities being triggered because you don’t want to face yourself. Remember, we are all projecting on each other.. If something hurts you.. It’s not my fault and I clearly do not intend to hurt any one with my journey. I am just sharing in the hopes to help others break their seal and simply NOT GIVE AF!
Bitch, Why Are You Running? Lmao, WE TIRED
I went back to my very first therapist and THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER! YES THERAPY IS FUN! She really be having me dying at myself. She has known me since I was in highschool.. I am 26 now. Whewww. She really is making me understand the importance of coexisting with all parts of who you are no matter what..She also likes to give me homework. Which I deeply enjoy!! I never share my journal, but this one just hit different! Ask yourself these questions and see what comes up!! I plan to dissect this with my tarot and oracle cards!!
Avoidance - Fear - Therapy
It feels good to be back in therapy with someone who has watched me grow. I am realizing that I am learning to coexist with myself. I am learning that the people, places, and things I have pushed away should be felt more, even if I am not experiencing it. Why am I so fearful of myself? Why do I run with zero intentions of looking back to see if I am still there? Most importantly, why am I even running? Who told me it wasn't safe? Why does is feel like I've been running my whole life? Standing still scares me. True comfort and connections scare me.. What am I avoiding? I only go towards the things I can control, but I don't want to control anything any more. I just want to free myself from myself and follow the glow and voice screaming through my heart. Why do I cage myself even when I am alone? Why do I dissociate in order to have fun? Who am I? What happened to her? Who told her to leave? How do I free her? I can still feel her, but the fear of ________ keeps her silenced.
What do you fear?
Im so use to jumping around and not building on consistency. I blame my signs..
Gemini - Libra - Gemini
Her - Fear - YOU
The balance I've created to survive and the pain I've felt for not living.. YOU deserve better.