Keep Going, Swholemate

Nina Stuer’s story 

My therapist yelled at me today.

She had tears in her eyes.

“I’ve just been working so hard on creating a life I actually want to live,” I had said.

I stuttered along, explaining all the steps I was taking to make things better.

And she let me finish.

But then she yelled out, voice strong:

“Yes! You have! Because you want to fucking live!”

The room fell silent.

It shook me. To my core.

My whole life, I’ve wanted to die.

Recently my depression and anxiety have been so terrible. 

Late nights crying, no sleep, chest pains, appetite messed up.

But instead of being broken down by it all, I’ve been working on making myself better.

Going to the doctor, adjusting my meds, self evaluating, looking at my life and what I really want from it.

I’ve been doing therapy, quitting things that don’t serve me, and embracing my relationships more fully.

And it hit me.

For the first time in my life, I *don’t* want to die.

I don’t want it all to end.

I just don’t want the pain to continue.

I don’t want to keep living a life that’s incongruent with my values.

My whole life I’ve wanted to die, and today it just… changed.

Something integrated in me in a way it never has before, and I am somehow different on the other side of it. 

I’m still struggling.

But hot damn, this is huge.

I’ve come so far. 

I’ve done so much.

I’ve worked so hard.

And I want to fucking live.

Time to celebrate. And to start living.

Nina Stuer

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